Don't Fake It, Feel It: How avoiding our emotions keeps us stuck in them for longer.

Why is emotional avoidance counter-productive?

Everyone experiences challenging emotions at times. So why is it so hard to allow ourselves to feel them? When we are experiencing an emotion that is uncomfortable, we often resort to quick-fixes that offer us an escape from the pain. The problem with this strategy is that by avoiding our emotions we don’t give ourselves the opportunity to experience them and we are left in an endless cycle in which true emotion resolution is unlikely to occur.

Psychologist and holocaust survivor Edith Eger compares avoiding our difficult emotions to covering garlic with chocolate: we can try to distract ourselves from unpleasant emotions or coat them with a sweet exterior, but they are still there. By allowing ourselves to feel our difficult emotions rather than supressing them, we give ourselves the opportunity to move through them in a healthy way which helps them to resolve all on their own. It is important to remember that eventually, all emotions will naturally end. Creating space for these challenging emotions rather than trying to avoid them or talk ourselves out of them speeds up this process. If emotional processing becomes blocked, psychotherapy can be helpful in identifying what is preventing healthy processing to occur and alleviating this issue.

How can I apply this to my life?

The next time you notice yourself scrolling through social media, binge watching Netflix, or heading to the cupboard to eat junk food, think about what feelings are fuelling your behaviour. Are you using these activities to avoid or supress some kind of emotional pain? Ask yourself if the thing you are about to do is really going to help you move through (rather than move around) your emotions. If the action you are about to take is likely to lead to emotional avoidance, consider what might be a healthier alternative action that could help you release the unpleasant emotion rather than suppressing it. Some examples could include yelling into or punching a pillow to release anger, crying to release sadness, and deep breathing or engaging in physical exercise to release anxiety.